Since the world is flooding social media with their opinions of what love is or is not, I can’t quietly sit by and be silent. To say that 50 shades of Grey is controversial is the understatement of the year. I am not here to give my opinionated criticism of those that read the books, will see the movie or who buy into the putrid image they depict as “romance” and “love”. There’s enough about that already being said… However, I will take this opportunity to describe the brutality by which love can actually be defined. Every example is from my very own experience… if our world is so hungry to see someone vulnerably exposed? Well, here it goes.
Brutal shades of love- A man carrying you to the bathroom after a surgical procedure that leaves you in the most pain you will ever endure in your life. He sits you down, steps outside the door and listens to your screams and tears of pure agony as you merely try to pee. Picking you back up, shaking and on the verge of shock, he carries you back to bed and sleeps on the floor by your side… we were just dating.
Brutal shades of love- A man holding your hair and patting your brow as you vomit due to anesthesia, in the middle of the birth of your first child. Then helping your sutured and stapled body into the shower, sagging stomach and in pain… washing you gently, helping you redress and get back in to bed. Then kissing you and telling you, “You are the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world. I’m the luckiest man and I love you so much.”
Brutal Shades of love- A man that the first week of your second child’s life never leaves your side. Took off an entire week and told me not to get up… he did the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, took care of Joshua. Once again, he helped my painful self to shower and set his own alarm to make sure to ask me every four hours if I was in pain, so he could give me pain meds…He said, “All I want you to do is feed the baby and sleep.”
Brutal Shades of love- A man that is there when you have a massive lump removed from your throat and they can’t rule out cancer. When you come to, in the hospital room, he has praise and worship music playing… who does that? Why did he do that? “Because I know you love it, it calms you and it changes the atmosphere.” He has to suction blood from my neck for a week until they could finally rule out cancer and close me up.
Brutal Shades of love- A man that just a few months after the above mentioned cancer scare… You are frozen and white as a ghost as you try to tell him, but the words just won’t come out. You grab his hand and place it on what is an obvious new lump. You see the fear flash across his face, but just for a moment and then he grabs you, picks you up and carries you to the couch where you both just cry together. “This can’t be happening, I can’t go through this again, I just can’t.” I cried, He calmly spoke “I know, I know, it’s going to be ok…” then he begins to pray… barely getting words out through his own tears. God miraculously healed that lump, it was also ruled as benign.
The world wants to see brutality associated with love, well here is as clear and accurate a picture as can be painted. Don’t be fooled into thinking these few examples are the only ones I could come up with. Not even close. Blogs are not meant to be books, although I could fill a book just about my husband and what true unconditional love looks like. Maybe, just maybe one day I will heed to the many suggestions to write one. Our love, our marriage is extraordinary and filled with imperfections. It’s like no other marriage I have ever seen or heard about. I married a selfless man that loves me beyond what my mind can comprehend. THIS is love, THIS is romance, THIS is what fantasy fulfilling marriage looks like... Brutal shades of love.
2014
Friday, February 13, 2015
Thursday, December 18, 2014
My early Christmas took 4 years, 2 months and 2 weeks...
I've waited four years, two months and two weeks for this gift. Tuesday afternoon, it finally came. I had my six month follow up with my neuro-ophthalmic retina specialist, for my eye. As many know, I had a hole that was leaking brain fluid into my eye. My specialist did everything in his power to save my vision, fix the hole and avoid brain surgery. After a year and a half of procedures, surgeries and numerous medications he was able to close the hole and save my vision. For the last three years, it has been a waiting game. The fluid that was left over from the leakage needed time to re-absorb, the "seal" needed time to strengthen and heal. What I did not know, until this week, was that the success rate for this type of issue is only 5%. That is IF the patient is willing to under go all that I did... Pure hell on earth and the worst imaginable head aches you could ever attempt to fathom. It makes migraines seem like a paper cut... So IF the patient agrees, then the percentage is even less of doctors willing to attempt all that my specialist did on me. The success rate of saving the patients vision is minute, avoiding brain surgery is minute and the over all success of the hole sealing and staying sealed is minute.
Tuesday, with giddy confidence, my specialist told me. "We did it! The fluid is completely gone. The scar/seal over the hole is fully healed, strong and secure. Your vision is better than it was, even before this happened. Your pressure is exactly what it should be, for the first time in four years. Your eye is perfect!" I was speechless!! He proceeded to tell me that I didn't have to be careful anymore... I can ride roller coasters again, I can sing without fear of it reopening (just praying for God to finish the healing of my chords), I can "Resume my normal everyday life, without fear." Did you hear that???? Without fear! The freedom that comes with that phrase, it's no longer a distraction. It's no longer sitting in the back of my mind (literally), no longer a scare tactic the enemy can use to disqualify me. No more fear. My miracle, my healing is finally here. A few truths God told me and continues to speak into my spirit "Prophecy takes time. Find Joy in the Journey. Embrace the pain of the process." Do I still have a chronic illness, yes. I'm holding on to the Promise that I will be "restored and made whole". I don't know when that will happen but this miracle has, it has renewed my faith and it has made me even more dangerous to the enemy. "No weapon formed against me will prosper." I encourage you, hold on to those promises, even if it's been years. God is faithful!!
On a side note- my specialist is now using my case in a petition to another doctor who himself has a similar issue but is afraid to move forward with treatment. My case was so extreme, my doctor feels confident he will be able to save his collegues vision as well as his collegues career... his collegue is also an eye specialist.
Tuesday, with giddy confidence, my specialist told me. "We did it! The fluid is completely gone. The scar/seal over the hole is fully healed, strong and secure. Your vision is better than it was, even before this happened. Your pressure is exactly what it should be, for the first time in four years. Your eye is perfect!" I was speechless!! He proceeded to tell me that I didn't have to be careful anymore... I can ride roller coasters again, I can sing without fear of it reopening (just praying for God to finish the healing of my chords), I can "Resume my normal everyday life, without fear." Did you hear that???? Without fear! The freedom that comes with that phrase, it's no longer a distraction. It's no longer sitting in the back of my mind (literally), no longer a scare tactic the enemy can use to disqualify me. No more fear. My miracle, my healing is finally here. A few truths God told me and continues to speak into my spirit "Prophecy takes time. Find Joy in the Journey. Embrace the pain of the process." Do I still have a chronic illness, yes. I'm holding on to the Promise that I will be "restored and made whole". I don't know when that will happen but this miracle has, it has renewed my faith and it has made me even more dangerous to the enemy. "No weapon formed against me will prosper." I encourage you, hold on to those promises, even if it's been years. God is faithful!!
On a side note- my specialist is now using my case in a petition to another doctor who himself has a similar issue but is afraid to move forward with treatment. My case was so extreme, my doctor feels confident he will be able to save his collegues vision as well as his collegues career... his collegue is also an eye specialist.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
What does "beautiful" matter if I know I'm loved?
Many of you have seen the latest ad campaign circulating around by Dove Soap "You are more beautiful than you think". If you haven't seen it, I suggest watching it
It's about women who have to describe themselves to a sketch artist that has never seen them. After he sketches them, a stranger that they have gotten to know for about 30 minutes comes in and describes them for a second sketch. When the sketches are compared the women are shocked at how incredibly different they came out. They see the reality of how critical they were on themselves, versus the way others saw them. I was amazed and I was in tears. It hit me like a ton of bricks, honestly. What would mine look like? How would others describe me? I would struggle with that... but why? I asked God, "Why is this affecting me so deeply? What exactly do I struggle with here?" God simply asked me, "Can you say you're beautiful?" I felt like my stomach dropped... "No." What exactly does that mean, though? Why is that a bad thing? I don't have a hard time accepting your love or love from my husband and family. I know that I'm loved and I love to love people back. I don't feel like I struggle with an orphan spirit (for more on this, I highly recommend the message by Pastor Randy Harvey from April 21, 2013 on www.thecrossing.cc). I know where I belong and whom I belong to. I'm secure in that... I just don't think of myself that way. My husband thinks I'm beautiful, my daddy thinks so and I know God does too... why do I need to? What does "beautiful" matter if I know I'm loved?
God spoke to me, "It's not just about beauty on the outside. It is about your true beauty... Your laugh that shows the joy in you. The tears that show compassion for someone in pain. Your touch that shows that you care enough to be there. Your heart that aches when you see someone in need. The way your anointing touches lives, as you operate in my calling. The way I shine through your smile to touch others... It's how I see you. You are mine. Created by me and for me and I want you to see yourself the way I see you." I've heard it said that confidence is beautiful. Well, I believe it. Being confident in what God says about you, is where you discover your true beauty. I may not struggle with how God loves me, my security that He holds me or that I belong to him... that doesn't mean that I don't struggle with seeing myself how He sees me. That is a profound truth that I have been missing, but I see it now. Another reality came to me through this, every single aspect of my life (struggle, victory and experience) is an opportunity for God to establish credentials in my life that I need to help others. I haven't got this all figured out yet, but I'm listening and learning... I will get it and then I will use it to help whomever God brings across my path, in the future.
Yes, I'm loved. Yes, I'm secure in my relationship with Him. Yes, as hard as it is for me to say... I am beautiful and so are you. More beautiful than we think.
It's about women who have to describe themselves to a sketch artist that has never seen them. After he sketches them, a stranger that they have gotten to know for about 30 minutes comes in and describes them for a second sketch. When the sketches are compared the women are shocked at how incredibly different they came out. They see the reality of how critical they were on themselves, versus the way others saw them. I was amazed and I was in tears. It hit me like a ton of bricks, honestly. What would mine look like? How would others describe me? I would struggle with that... but why? I asked God, "Why is this affecting me so deeply? What exactly do I struggle with here?" God simply asked me, "Can you say you're beautiful?" I felt like my stomach dropped... "No." What exactly does that mean, though? Why is that a bad thing? I don't have a hard time accepting your love or love from my husband and family. I know that I'm loved and I love to love people back. I don't feel like I struggle with an orphan spirit (for more on this, I highly recommend the message by Pastor Randy Harvey from April 21, 2013 on www.thecrossing.cc). I know where I belong and whom I belong to. I'm secure in that... I just don't think of myself that way. My husband thinks I'm beautiful, my daddy thinks so and I know God does too... why do I need to? What does "beautiful" matter if I know I'm loved?
God spoke to me, "It's not just about beauty on the outside. It is about your true beauty... Your laugh that shows the joy in you. The tears that show compassion for someone in pain. Your touch that shows that you care enough to be there. Your heart that aches when you see someone in need. The way your anointing touches lives, as you operate in my calling. The way I shine through your smile to touch others... It's how I see you. You are mine. Created by me and for me and I want you to see yourself the way I see you." I've heard it said that confidence is beautiful. Well, I believe it. Being confident in what God says about you, is where you discover your true beauty. I may not struggle with how God loves me, my security that He holds me or that I belong to him... that doesn't mean that I don't struggle with seeing myself how He sees me. That is a profound truth that I have been missing, but I see it now. Another reality came to me through this, every single aspect of my life (struggle, victory and experience) is an opportunity for God to establish credentials in my life that I need to help others. I haven't got this all figured out yet, but I'm listening and learning... I will get it and then I will use it to help whomever God brings across my path, in the future.
Yes, I'm loved. Yes, I'm secure in my relationship with Him. Yes, as hard as it is for me to say... I am beautiful and so are you. More beautiful than we think.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Happy takes work and is never perfect...
Where has the time gone... well, instead of boring you with way more details than ANYONE could possibly want to read, I will keep it simple. I am alive and well, love my husband more than I ever dreamed possible, one of my sons is way taller than me and the other one is getting close-r. So, there you have it... we're all caught up.
So what brings me back? I was asked a question that needed to be properly addressed; "What is your secret to good kids and a happy home?" It may seem a simple question that would solicit a simple answer... not so much. The initial part of my answer addresses "Happy" and the fact that being happy does not equate being perfect. Most people think that because someone is happy that our life must be flawless. On the contrary, we are happy because our source of joy is not determined or affected by our present issues or lack of them. Our joy is in God! Our joy and happiness comes from all the issues, trials, pains, hurts and battles that we have overcome and have yet to overcome. Not by our strength but wholly and completely by the strength and Grace of God. We learned many years ago that if we place our joy and happiness in anything that can be affected by the enemy, then our joy can be affected by the enemy. If our joy is in Christ, nothing can sway it or displace it... nothing. Ok, so is that it? Is that my answer? No, of course not... just the foundation of my answer.
We have certain rules and priorities, God inspired, that make our home and family run as it does.
- First I'll share our family priorities... by the way, these are non-negotiable. We have an understanding in our house that our foremost priority is our personal/individual relationship with God. Outside of that, Jason and my number one priority is each other. Above all, we first meet and tend to each others needs before even beginning to address anything/anyone else. No one matters in our world more than each other. I know and have confidence that Jason will always have my back and he knows that I will always have his. Second comes the needs and/or wants of our kids. They have joined our world, for a temporary amount of time, and it is our job to nurture them and discipline them. So, before turning our attention to anyone/anything else, we make sure their needs are met. Everything else in our world then falls into place according to how we feel it should be prioritized and those will be different for each family.
- Next comes the rules of our house. They haven't changed and never will... ever.
Rule #1- NO Whining! We can not hear you if you're whining. This can be a place where many kids will use discipline to their advantage. You tell them "No whining", they keep whining and the parent walks around saying (usually louder and louder) "I can't hear you! No whining! No whining!!" Kids are smart, negative attention is better than no attention at all... if they were whining we said once and only once in a calm voice "What is rule number one? No whining. I can not hear you until you talk normal. Come back when you can be civil." It worked for us, really well.
Rule #2- Life is not fair, deal with it! Yea, pretty self explanatory...
Rule #3- Do your priorities first, so you can play longer later. This actually applies to all four of us. Makes a HUGE difference in the efficiency of how our house runs... not to mention diffusing a ton of stress.
Rule #4- Personal calendars NEVER trump the family calendar... ever! This one is primarily for Jason and I, but it has worked so well for us. Be intentional with your planning... not only does it reduce miscommunication but it alleviates the stress of being scattered and over obligated.
So, there it is... my complex answer to a seemingly simple question. I will add one last secret from my personal page... We live in a world addicted to social media. I choose to live my life by the iceberg method; 10% is public for all the world to see, the other 90% is under the surface, reserved for those who intentionally choose to invest time in developing a relationship of community with me. If your community and relationships are purely based on social media, I encourage you to explore them deeper and in person. There is nothing like seeing a real live smile and giving a real warm hug to someone that holds that cherished title of "true friend".
So what brings me back? I was asked a question that needed to be properly addressed; "What is your secret to good kids and a happy home?" It may seem a simple question that would solicit a simple answer... not so much. The initial part of my answer addresses "Happy" and the fact that being happy does not equate being perfect. Most people think that because someone is happy that our life must be flawless. On the contrary, we are happy because our source of joy is not determined or affected by our present issues or lack of them. Our joy is in God! Our joy and happiness comes from all the issues, trials, pains, hurts and battles that we have overcome and have yet to overcome. Not by our strength but wholly and completely by the strength and Grace of God. We learned many years ago that if we place our joy and happiness in anything that can be affected by the enemy, then our joy can be affected by the enemy. If our joy is in Christ, nothing can sway it or displace it... nothing. Ok, so is that it? Is that my answer? No, of course not... just the foundation of my answer.
We have certain rules and priorities, God inspired, that make our home and family run as it does.
- First I'll share our family priorities... by the way, these are non-negotiable. We have an understanding in our house that our foremost priority is our personal/individual relationship with God. Outside of that, Jason and my number one priority is each other. Above all, we first meet and tend to each others needs before even beginning to address anything/anyone else. No one matters in our world more than each other. I know and have confidence that Jason will always have my back and he knows that I will always have his. Second comes the needs and/or wants of our kids. They have joined our world, for a temporary amount of time, and it is our job to nurture them and discipline them. So, before turning our attention to anyone/anything else, we make sure their needs are met. Everything else in our world then falls into place according to how we feel it should be prioritized and those will be different for each family.
- Next comes the rules of our house. They haven't changed and never will... ever.
Rule #1- NO Whining! We can not hear you if you're whining. This can be a place where many kids will use discipline to their advantage. You tell them "No whining", they keep whining and the parent walks around saying (usually louder and louder) "I can't hear you! No whining! No whining!!" Kids are smart, negative attention is better than no attention at all... if they were whining we said once and only once in a calm voice "What is rule number one? No whining. I can not hear you until you talk normal. Come back when you can be civil." It worked for us, really well.
Rule #2- Life is not fair, deal with it! Yea, pretty self explanatory...
Rule #3- Do your priorities first, so you can play longer later. This actually applies to all four of us. Makes a HUGE difference in the efficiency of how our house runs... not to mention diffusing a ton of stress.
Rule #4- Personal calendars NEVER trump the family calendar... ever! This one is primarily for Jason and I, but it has worked so well for us. Be intentional with your planning... not only does it reduce miscommunication but it alleviates the stress of being scattered and over obligated.
So, there it is... my complex answer to a seemingly simple question. I will add one last secret from my personal page... We live in a world addicted to social media. I choose to live my life by the iceberg method; 10% is public for all the world to see, the other 90% is under the surface, reserved for those who intentionally choose to invest time in developing a relationship of community with me. If your community and relationships are purely based on social media, I encourage you to explore them deeper and in person. There is nothing like seeing a real live smile and giving a real warm hug to someone that holds that cherished title of "true friend".
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I saw Jesus on a plane...
Say what??? Yes, it's true I did and it was incredible!! Let's go backward an hour or two... I was sitting in the Albuquerque airport waiting on my flight back to Houston. Our flight was delayed a few times and as we all know that means the terminal gets very full. I had seen this family walking around with a sweet little girl, about 12 I am guessing, and she had Down's Syndrome. She was dressed so super cute and obviously very excited about flying. As we boarded the plane she came on board ecstatic that we were "going up in the sky"!! She kept squealing and saying "I am so excited, I am so excited!!" I just giggled, because it was adorable! Her family kept trying to quiet her down and she was doing her very best to contain her excitement. The pilot and stewardess got the plane all geared up, did the pre-flight pep talks and we finally began to taxi over to take off. It's our turn, here we go, and lift off! She is so excited and she is telling her mom, "We are going up high!!!! We are going up high!!!" Then she no longer could contain her excitement and she said the most incredible thing "Mom, we are getting closer to Jesus!!! Look, we are getting closer to Jesus!!! We are up high closer to Jesus!! Look at the clouds!!! HI Jesus!! HI Jesus!!" She erupted with giggles and just continued overflowing with pure joy! It totally left me undone... I began to cry at the beauty I was seeing. I saw the purest face of true love for Jesus that I have ever seen in my life... and it melted me. She wasn't that excited because she was going to see Jesus but because she was getting closer to Him. I sat there with tears that insisted to keep falling and began to talk to God. "Father, I am certain that you share these tears of joy right now. Your heart must be overflowing at the praise and adoration that she is giving You! What a beautiful mirror image of your love is on her face right now!"
James 4:8a (AMP) "Come close to God and He will come close to you."
Deut. 4:29 (NIV) "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul."
"Lord, I have seen you in the face of this beautiful child. My heart has been broken for You, I long to be close to You. I know that if I seek after You, You in turn will run to me. Oh Father, let me seek You with the joy and eagerness I see in her. Let my heart yearn to be close to You, as she does."
Her family continued to quiet her excitement and I wanted to say, "Let her be. Let her get excited, let her joy become contagious." Of course I didn't, but I truly hope that others on that plane were moved by her the way I was. I pray that others on that plane "Saw Jesus on that plane"...
James 4:8a (AMP) "Come close to God and He will come close to you."
Deut. 4:29 (NIV) "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul."
"Lord, I have seen you in the face of this beautiful child. My heart has been broken for You, I long to be close to You. I know that if I seek after You, You in turn will run to me. Oh Father, let me seek You with the joy and eagerness I see in her. Let my heart yearn to be close to You, as she does."
Her family continued to quiet her excitement and I wanted to say, "Let her be. Let her get excited, let her joy become contagious." Of course I didn't, but I truly hope that others on that plane were moved by her the way I was. I pray that others on that plane "Saw Jesus on that plane"...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
RELAX... Relax... relax.
Everywhere I go I have heard this word over and over for the past 2 months! It's been quite comical, actually. Ever since I realized this is what God was telling me to do, to rest and RELAX, it seems He has taken great care to keep reminding me. (If you are wondering what I am referring to, check out my post from a month or so ago "The Key To This Season...") I honestly wish I had written down (or had the brain capacity to remember) all the times I have been reminded.
During this time of resting and recovering I have crazy enjoyed time with my husband and my boys. It has been a much needed time of carefree, pure fun and enjoyment. We have traveled SO much this summer, done SO much together, made up for lost time during my illness and we are not done yet!! A few weeks ago my husband and I went to a marriage conference together. It was amazing and we so enjoyed getting away and just concentrating on making "us" even better. We came back so refreshed... but while we were there guess what one of the points they talked about were? You guessed it "Relax and rest!" My husband and I squeezed each others hand and just chuckled. A message this past Sunday at our church, we had a guest speaker and part of his testimony was about God telling him to "Relax and rest". Again, we just looked at each other and laughed. I could tell you about a dozen more times how "Relax and rest" has shown up during this season... it's truly been unbelievable.
God is doing a great work in us, during this time. He is showing us that this past 9 months was not lost and it was not in vain. Our testimony will have a voice! Not only has He carried us through this season, but His hand and His glory will shine BRIGHT because of what He is going to do through us! He has challenged us with new areas and ways of ministry that we are so excited about!!
Romans 8:28 AMP We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose. 29) For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was aware and loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren.
This past week I received an amazing report from my doctors... after 9 months my vision is almost better than it was before this happened, the fluid is almost gone, the hole is securely closed, my blood work is clean after the cancer scare and partial thyroid removal, I was taken off all but one medication (and it is one with NO side effects) and the doctor doesn't want to see me again for a month! I am almost "whole" again. I am "Relaxing and Resting" not only in my mind and body, but in Spirit as well. God is restoring me... as I have said before, "God's call on my life is still intact, His hand on my life is sure, His plan for me is secure, He is a faithful God and His promises to me ARE my destiny!!!"
During this time of resting and recovering I have crazy enjoyed time with my husband and my boys. It has been a much needed time of carefree, pure fun and enjoyment. We have traveled SO much this summer, done SO much together, made up for lost time during my illness and we are not done yet!! A few weeks ago my husband and I went to a marriage conference together. It was amazing and we so enjoyed getting away and just concentrating on making "us" even better. We came back so refreshed... but while we were there guess what one of the points they talked about were? You guessed it "Relax and rest!" My husband and I squeezed each others hand and just chuckled. A message this past Sunday at our church, we had a guest speaker and part of his testimony was about God telling him to "Relax and rest". Again, we just looked at each other and laughed. I could tell you about a dozen more times how "Relax and rest" has shown up during this season... it's truly been unbelievable.
God is doing a great work in us, during this time. He is showing us that this past 9 months was not lost and it was not in vain. Our testimony will have a voice! Not only has He carried us through this season, but His hand and His glory will shine BRIGHT because of what He is going to do through us! He has challenged us with new areas and ways of ministry that we are so excited about!!
Romans 8:28 AMP We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose. 29) For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was aware and loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren.
This past week I received an amazing report from my doctors... after 9 months my vision is almost better than it was before this happened, the fluid is almost gone, the hole is securely closed, my blood work is clean after the cancer scare and partial thyroid removal, I was taken off all but one medication (and it is one with NO side effects) and the doctor doesn't want to see me again for a month! I am almost "whole" again. I am "Relaxing and Resting" not only in my mind and body, but in Spirit as well. God is restoring me... as I have said before, "God's call on my life is still intact, His hand on my life is sure, His plan for me is secure, He is a faithful God and His promises to me ARE my destiny!!!"
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Face to Face with pain...
Some friends of ours are currently in Texas Children's Hospital with their beautiful 4 year old little girl. She had surgery yesterday and she is having to stay in the hospital for 4 or 5 days. We went to visit them yesterday afternoon and I was completely caught off guard by the rush of emotions I felt. (If you have not read my previous post "Remembering Pain Makes You Stronger", then you may want to read it to get the whole miracle story.)
We stepped into the elevator, pressed the button for the 12th floor... as soon as the elevator doors opened the battle to keep my emotions at bay began. This was the same floor, I remember these yellow walls. We signed in at the nurses desk, stepped through the door and there I was face to face with the very room we had been in with Jeremiah. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment and I was desperately fighting back tears. Our friends were only 3 doors down from that very room. As in most hospitals, their room looked exactly the same. It was like stepping back in time. Everything was the same, the couch we slept on, the monitors, the walls, everything... accept that wasn't my little boy laying there anymore, it was their sweet girl. I was face to face with a pain I had not felt in 5 years... we walked the halls with them, showed them where the food court was, told them about the "goody carts" that come by through out the day. Right on cue here came a cart with sno cones, lol. I totally put aside my feelings, now was not the time.
On our way home Jason and I talked about how we both were overwhelmed by how we felt going in there... Jason said, "You know people say that time heals all wounds but I disagree. That pain was as fresh as it was five years ago." He's right! It literally took my breath away but so was the reminder of how God had been so evident there. That is a place of remembering pain but also a place of knowing a peace beyond our understanding, a reminder of God's miraculous hand in our lives. I have yet to feel again as completely submitted and fully at peace in HIS hands as I was during that battle for Jeremiah's life.
I stand by my original post "Remembering Pain does Make You Stronger". I am challenged by this reminder, a crisis should not be the only time my faith is that in tune or that I am that submitted to Him... I intend to remedy this.
We stepped into the elevator, pressed the button for the 12th floor... as soon as the elevator doors opened the battle to keep my emotions at bay began. This was the same floor, I remember these yellow walls. We signed in at the nurses desk, stepped through the door and there I was face to face with the very room we had been in with Jeremiah. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment and I was desperately fighting back tears. Our friends were only 3 doors down from that very room. As in most hospitals, their room looked exactly the same. It was like stepping back in time. Everything was the same, the couch we slept on, the monitors, the walls, everything... accept that wasn't my little boy laying there anymore, it was their sweet girl. I was face to face with a pain I had not felt in 5 years... we walked the halls with them, showed them where the food court was, told them about the "goody carts" that come by through out the day. Right on cue here came a cart with sno cones, lol. I totally put aside my feelings, now was not the time.
On our way home Jason and I talked about how we both were overwhelmed by how we felt going in there... Jason said, "You know people say that time heals all wounds but I disagree. That pain was as fresh as it was five years ago." He's right! It literally took my breath away but so was the reminder of how God had been so evident there. That is a place of remembering pain but also a place of knowing a peace beyond our understanding, a reminder of God's miraculous hand in our lives. I have yet to feel again as completely submitted and fully at peace in HIS hands as I was during that battle for Jeremiah's life.
I stand by my original post "Remembering Pain does Make You Stronger". I am challenged by this reminder, a crisis should not be the only time my faith is that in tune or that I am that submitted to Him... I intend to remedy this.
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