Over the past two months I have had this intense desire and longing to disconnect. I felt as though I needed to distance myself from... well... friends, church, responsibilities (other than my home and family) and just about everything else. I have battled within myself wondering if this was "the right thing" or maybe circumstances could have been to blame? Circumstances weren't exactly blissful these past two months; my very dear friends followed the calling of God on their lives and moved to England (we know it was absolutely the right thing, but that didn't make the pain of separation disappear), an amazing man of God that we loved dearly lost his battle with cancer, my health (now 8 months and counting) continues to be an ongoing battle and a few other issues that for discretion sake need not be listed here. This is no tiny list... these would be a reasonable explanation for anyone feeling the need to "disconnect". Crazy as it sounds I actually asked myself these questions, "Am I getting depressed? I've never been depressed before, maybe this is how it feels." or "Is my health and meds actually making me become reclusive?" However, none of these seemed to satisfy my yearning for answers. So, I began to consider whether this was a spiritual tug of war. As I sought God's council on this, it was like a haze began clearing in the room. I was falling slowly into a snare that had been set out before for me, it was quite the set up too. I had taken my eyes off of my source, my guiding light and focused on the circumstances.
What is "the key" for fixing this? God was calling me back to Him... He was telling me to stop working so hard to find my own answers, to "Be Still" and let him cover me, strengthen me and encourage me. He was telling me to stop trying to figure this all this out... it is not mine to bear, it is His. If I am busy working to make my own way clear, I will miss out on His every time. So, I have taken a drastic approach... I have stopped everything (again, other than my personal responsibilities to my home and family). I am making a drastic effort to "Be Still", rest, take a "real" break, get well, allow him to minister to me, heal me, restore me and make me whole. Sounds all nice and spiritual doesn't it? Well, let me be the first to tell you... it hurts!! Clean cuts, even with the peace of God that what you are doing is right, are extremely painful! There will be withdrawals from some of the things that I have had to let go but I know it's the right thing.
Am I letting go forever? Of course not! When I am well, rested and more importantly when God gives me the peace to move forward out of this season, I will run not walk to whatever He has next for me!! I believe it will happen, I believe the calling on my life is sure, I believe God's will for my life will be fulfilled... but first I have to "Be Still" for a while.
