Face to Face with pain...

Some friends of ours are currently in Texas Children's Hospital with their beautiful 4 year old little girl. She had surgery yesterday and she is having to stay in the hospital for 4 or 5 days. We went to visit them yesterday afternoon and I was completely caught off guard by the rush of emotions I felt. (If you have not read my previous post "Remembering Pain Makes You Stronger", then you may want to read it to get the whole miracle story.)

We stepped into the elevator, pressed the button for the 12th floor... as soon as the elevator doors opened the battle to keep my emotions at bay began. This was the same floor, I remember these yellow walls. We signed in at the nurses desk, stepped through the door and there I was face to face with the very room we had been in with Jeremiah. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment and I was desperately fighting back tears. Our friends were only 3 doors down from that very room. As in most hospitals, their room looked exactly the same. It was like stepping back in time. Everything was the same, the couch we slept on, the monitors, the walls, everything... accept that wasn't my little boy laying there anymore, it was their sweet girl. I was face to face with a pain I had not felt in 5 years... we walked the halls with them, showed them where the food court was, told them about the "goody carts" that come by through out the day. Right on cue here came a cart with sno cones, lol. I totally put aside my feelings, now was not the time.

On our way home Jason and I talked about how we both were overwhelmed by how we felt going in there... Jason said, "You know people say that time heals all wounds but I disagree. That pain was as fresh as it was five years ago." He's right! It literally took my breath away but so was the reminder of how God had been so evident there. That is a place of remembering pain but also a place of knowing a peace beyond our understanding, a reminder of God's miraculous hand in our lives. I have yet to feel again as completely submitted and fully at peace in HIS hands as I was during that battle for Jeremiah's life.

I stand by my original post "Remembering Pain does Make You Stronger". I am challenged by this reminder, a crisis should not be the only time my faith is that in tune or that I am that submitted to Him... I intend to remedy this.

The key to this season...

Over the past two months I have had this intense desire and longing to disconnect. I felt as though I needed to distance myself from... well... friends, church, responsibilities (other than my home and family) and just about everything else. I have battled within myself wondering if this was "the right thing" or maybe circumstances could have been to blame? Circumstances weren't exactly blissful these past two months; my very dear friends followed the calling of God on their lives and moved to England (we know it was absolutely the right thing, but that didn't make the pain of separation disappear), an amazing man of God that we loved dearly lost his battle with cancer, my health (now 8 months and counting) continues to be an ongoing battle and a few other issues that for discretion sake need not be listed here. This is no tiny list... these would be a reasonable explanation for anyone feeling the need to "disconnect". Crazy as it sounds I actually asked myself these questions, "Am I getting depressed? I've never been depressed before, maybe this is how it feels." or "Is my health and meds actually making me become reclusive?" However, none of these seemed to satisfy my yearning for answers. So, I began to consider whether this was a spiritual tug of war. As I sought God's council on this, it was like a haze began clearing in the room. I was falling slowly into a snare that had been set out before for me, it was quite the set up too. I had taken my eyes off of my source, my guiding light and focused on the circumstances.

What is "the key" for fixing this? God was calling me back to Him... He was telling me to stop working so hard to find my own answers, to "Be Still" and let him cover me, strengthen me and encourage me. He was telling me to stop trying to figure this all this out... it is not mine to bear, it is His. If I am busy working to make my own way clear, I will miss out on His every time. So, I have taken a drastic approach... I have stopped everything (again, other than my personal responsibilities to my home and family). I am making a drastic effort to "Be Still", rest, take a "real" break, get well, allow him to minister to me, heal me, restore me and make me whole. Sounds all nice and spiritual doesn't it? Well, let me be the first to tell you... it hurts!! Clean cuts, even with the peace of God that what you are doing is right, are extremely painful! There will be withdrawals from some of the things that I have had to let go but I know it's the right thing.

Am I letting go forever? Of course not! When I am well, rested and more importantly when God gives me the peace to move forward out of this season, I will run not walk to whatever He has next for me!! I believe it will happen, I believe the calling on my life is sure, I believe God's will for my life will be fulfilled... but first I have to "Be Still" for a while.

Beautiful Deception...

I am going to take a gamble that this post will not be popular with the masses. The past few days if you haven't heard any of the "rapture hype", you have been living under a rock or in a cave. Prior to this "big event", there were the jokes and the pranks that everyone was talking about... I'll admit they were funny! The "big event" came, went by and was wrong. If only it were that simple... immediately the jokes, the comments, the billboards... you name it, celebrating this "non big event" went viral. Again, I admit... some were quite funny.

Laying in bed Sunday night a realization in the form of a "Godly Anguish"(as put by Pastor Randy Harvey recently, from a quoted text by the late David Wilkerson) came to me. In anticipation of this "big event", I heard stories of people that sold all they had to await this day. Families and individuals stood on mountainsides, beaches, in fields, huddled in homes waiting on that "big event" to happen. Hoping, wishing, praying that it was true... why? Maybe one was a young girl whose reality is a life being sold into sex trafficking... maybe a dad who the meal he just fed his family was the last he had the means to provide... maybe it was someone whose reality was just absolutely hopeless in their eyes. This "big event" had been presented to them as a means to an end, a way out, an alternative reality... in the form of a "Beautiful Deception" woven with lies and un-truths, that they clung to merely because it meant a better reality than where they were currently. Of course they leapt at it, they were desperate!

So, where are they now? What has happened to their "faith"? It was shattered when they stood there as the clock ticked on into the night and they realized it was all a lie. How it must grieve our Father God to watch His children broken and deceived that way. How He must mourn them becoming the laughing stock of the world, when maybe some of them (not all of them, of course) were just desperate for a way out. We as believers in the One True God have an even greater battle before us now... how much more diligent must we strive to present the "Truth" to those in need? Will they be so easily swayed to listen this time, if not, how do we make a difference? Zech 4:6 NLT "It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies." Only with the grace and anointing of God can the Truth of God's Word penetrate and heal the walls or obstacle courses, if you will, that have now been set up to guard those hearts that have recently been broken.

I have a challenge for you... yes, the jokes are funny. No, you are not unholy for laughing..Please! My challenge is to pray that you feel the anguish of God for those that are hurting and for God to give you opportunities to show hope to those who are hopeless. Last, but certainly not least, that we would reach out to those that are feeling desperate and share the "Truth" and love of Christ... rather than leaving them hopeless and susceptible to the next "Beautiful Deception".

"What can we see better? What did we learn?"

Where have the past 6 months of my life gone? Well, I will avoid weighing down this blog post with lengthy details. In a teeny tiny nut shell; Oct. 21 2010 my husband lost his job, two days later I had a crazy medical journey begin, resulting in 5 surgeries and too many doctors, specialists, procedures and tests to name. A brief cancer scare, but I am happy to announce that I am on my way to a full recovery!!

All of this started 6 months ago and seemingly did a snowball effect from bad to worse. Now, on this side of it Jason and I have had a chance to look back and ask, "What can we see better? What did we learn?"

First- The loss of Jason's job at his former employer was a total blessing. He was so stressed out, losing sleep and overwhelmed. He was unhappy and working insane hours, never seeming to get caught up. If he had not changed jobs, there is NO way he could have cared for me, been here for me and walked with me so incredibly as he has these past 6 months. It would have killed him... God knew exactly what he was doing. The incredible thing is that he was able to do his new job, work from home and his clients didn't become busy until the "exact" week that I was well enough for him to go back in full force!! Talk about the favor and hand of God!

Second- Just like during the journey God took us on during Jeremiah's illness, on this journey God taught us that our faith, trust in Him, love for Him and love for each other was much stronger and could endure much more than we ever knew. We leaned heavily into Him and into each other and in doing that God brought people across our paths whose faith was strengthened by how God was strengthening ours.

Third- From day one God showed us that He had this covered, had us covered. We experienced a peace that truly passed all understanding. God taught us things about ourselves and our relationships with Him that we may have never discovered, unless pressed the way we were. We came out of this with a renewed intimacy with Him and absolute knowledge that He is trustworthy! Don't get me wrong, this was NO cake walk... we had the air knocked out of us a few times but His hand was sure and it was strong!

Last- This one is all me... I was reminded of how incredibly blessed I am! I have a husband who loves me so incredibly and unselfishly more than I ever could have dreamed. I am overwhelmed by him... truly. (Thank you Jason, I love you!) I am so grateful for my family that are amazingly supportive and helpful and my dearest friends who prayed and loved us through all this! Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart... thank you!!

Update on a soldier's Christmas... and a little about me.

I will begin by giving you all the finale to the soldier story. If you are unfamiliar with how this all began, go back and read my posts "Saying 'Thank You' to a Soldier this Christmas..." and "Unabashed tears on my driveway...". That brings you up to date. We truly prayed and sought God's guidance on how to best bless this family. One night in my sleep it hit me! I told my family, "I know what we are going to do! We are making a wreath out of gift cards to as many places as we can possibly afford." They loved the idea... time to start saving!

Surprise!! The next week, October 21st to be exact, Jason was laid off from his job. Our natural reaction was panic, but we trust that God is our source and knew he was in control. We actually got excited about it, because we knew God was up to something. The incredible news is that Jason was only out of work for 2 weeks. In that 2 weeks he had 13 interviews and 6 offers from companies. God overwhelmed him with favor, affirmation and encouragement. He came out of that situation a stronger man, with a better job!! Psalm 90:17 (AMP) "Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us; And confirm for us the work of our hands; Yes, confirm the work of our hands."

October 29th I began an intense medical journey that has yet to resolve. It is much too involved to add to this post, but I know it is just another attack... I also know it is contrary to the prophetic promises and calling on my life that have yet to be fulfilled! He will have the Glory!! Luke 1:37 (AMP) "For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment."

Back to the soldier story. Even with everything that has been happening the past few months, we still knew it was in God's heart to bless Mike(the soldier) and his family. God provided a way for us to save a good sum, plus he placed it on the heart of another family to anonymously give towards this gift. Two days before Christmas we prayed over the wreath and then went to deliver it. Mike and his family were so overwhelmed by the gift. They accepted it with such grace and were so very thankful. They were truly blessed. (Yes, I cried like a baby... what's new?) The humbling thing about all of this was recognizing we were truly just the willing vessels God was using to touch this family. It didn't matter what was going on in our lives, how the enemy attacked us, what distractions were thrown at us. God chose us, we said "yes", HE provided the means.

Unabashed tears on my driveway...

If you have not read my post "Saying 'Thank You' to a Soldier this Christmas" from last month, you will want to do so before reading further. Tonight I had the absolute honor of meeting "My Soldier". (Yes, I said "my" because he and his family have stolen my heart.) Before I get to that, I have to back up just a tad. Last month I passed by his house and noticed him out front using a walker. I was so upset and naturally wondering what had happened. Had he been in an accident? Was he ok? I began to really pray for him. This evening, we had just gotten home from running a few errands, barely even out of the car and guess who came walking by... yes, "My Soldier". Jason recognized him right away and immediately made an effort to get down our driveway to talk to him. First of all his name is "Mike". Jason asked him if he was ok and told him we had seen him using a walker. He told us that he was injured in August during a training mission, preparing for his next deployment to Afghanistan later this month. He severely injured his back and last month had major back surgery. They had to remove 1 vertebrae, repair two others, put in screws and plates and fuse his back together. After 16 years of bravely serving this country he is about to be forced to retire and enter the civilian life. He is actually going to be looking for a job, soon and has no idea what is in his future. He stood there and told us this story and proceeded to add "Me and my wife know that my life and our future is in my good Lord's hands. We know this happened for a reason and that He has a plan for me. I just have to figure it out. I know we will be ok. I don't care about any compensation or any disability, I was just doing my job. It was an accident. I just want to be healthy so I can take care of my family and spend time with them." I stood there listening to all this and cried, unashamed on my driveway. Now I know why God placed this man and his family on our hearts... before the accident even happened... before he had surgery... before he was faced with a totally new life path. God is a God of provision!! I write this with tears rolling down, so incredibly humbled and honored that God chose us to bless this family. I am undone...

Would you join me in praying for "Mike" and his family as he recovers and goes forward in a new career?

Shhhhhhh...

One of my dearest friends and I had the opportunity to just sit and talk the other day. Why is this noteworthy, you ask? Because we, in our busy lives, don't have time to just sit and talk. For that matter, there are many things that get put aside in our lives, just merely because they are further down on the priority list. One main thing that I have very little time for is reading... I LOVE to read, always have. I was going to major in English and Literature... remember? Anyway, we were discussing what we enjoy reading, when time allows. I personally have no interest in "self-help" type books... I just can not get into them. I love to read fiction and the occasional biography. I have many favorite authors such as Robin Cook, Ted Dekker, CS Lewis, etc... I am not one who MUST read a book by a Christan author. (Some of you may have just lowered me on your "Christan-o-meter"... sorry.) I have stacks of unread books on my night stand, in my car, in my closet... all books I think I want to read, but haven't. I recently discovered a way to carve out some time, each day, to read. I leave about 45 minutes early to pick up Jeremiah from school and I read in the car line. Hooray, finally the opportunity to jump into a good book... it worked for a while, but not lately. I finished a book a few weeks ago and since then I have picked up and put down two totally different books... the first one was a secular author, and I just couldn't tolerate it this time. The second one was a Christian author, but it seemed a bit shallow in the story line. I was so frustrated... then I noticed some of my music (again, no it's not all Christan...) I just couldn't tolerate the noise. I started recognizing a trend... I decided I should check in with God "Ummm, are you trying to get my attention? If so, I'm sure not listening very well, am I?" Ahaaa... so that's the problem. He was seeking to speak with me and I was distracted. I turned my radio off, put the books away, sat still and said "Speak Lord, I'm listening." He did.

Now I'm not saying that I don't listen to my music anymore or the radio, and I will still read my books. I just need to be careful of distraction's in my life, that they don't become so loud that they drown out the still small voice of my Savior. Ps. 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..." Ps. 143:8 "Cause me to hear Your loving-kindness in the morning, for on You do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You." Matt. 11:15 "He who has ears to hear, let him be listening and let him consider and perceive and comprehend by hearing." He is a jealous God and yearns for our attention, our devotion, our worship... He longs to commune with us, to be close to us... that is pretty cool!