The Brutal Shades of Love

Since the world is flooding social media with their opinions of what love is or is not, I can’t quietly sit by and be silent. To say that 50 shades of Grey is controversial is the understatement of the year. I am not here to give my opinionated criticism of those that read the books, will see the movie or who buy into the putrid image they depict as “romance” and “love”. There’s enough about that already being said… However, I will take this opportunity to describe the brutality by which love can actually be defined. Every example is from my very own experience… if our world is so hungry to see someone vulnerably exposed? Well, here it goes.

Brutal shades of love- A man carrying you to the bathroom after a surgical procedure that leaves you in the most pain you will ever endure in your life. He sits you down, steps outside the door and listens to your screams and tears of pure agony as you merely try to pee. Picking you back up, shaking and on the verge of shock, he carries you back to bed and sleeps on the floor by your side… we were just dating.

Brutal shades of love- A man holding your hair and patting your brow as you vomit due to anesthesia, in the middle of the birth of your first child. Then helping your sutured and stapled body into the shower, sagging stomach and in pain… washing you gently, helping you redress and get back in to bed. Then kissing you and telling you, “You are the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world. I’m the luckiest man and I love you so much.”

Brutal Shades of love- A man that the first week of your second child’s life never leaves your side. Took off an entire week and told me not to get up… he did the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, took care of Joshua. Once again, he helped my painful self to shower and set his own alarm to make sure to ask me every four hours if I was in pain, so he could give me pain meds…He said, “All I want you to do is feed the baby and sleep.”

Brutal Shades of love- A man that is there when you have a massive lump removed from your throat and they can’t rule out cancer. When you come to, in the hospital room, he has praise and worship music playing… who does that? Why did he do that? “Because I know you love it, it calms you and it changes the atmosphere.” He has to suction blood from my neck for a week until they could finally rule out cancer and close me up.

Brutal Shades of love- A man that just a few months after the above mentioned cancer scare… You are frozen and white as a ghost as you try to tell him, but the words just won’t come out. You grab his hand and place it on what is an obvious new lump. You see the fear flash across his face, but just for a moment and then he grabs you, picks you up and carries you to the couch where you both just cry together. “This can’t be happening, I can’t go through this again, I just can’t.” I cried, He calmly spoke “I know, I know, it’s going to be ok…” then he begins to pray… barely getting words out through his own tears. God miraculously healed that lump, it was also ruled as benign.

The world wants to see brutality associated with love, well here is as clear and accurate a picture as can be painted. Don’t be fooled into thinking these few examples are the only ones I could come up with. Not even close. Blogs are not meant to be books, although I could fill a book just about my husband and what true unconditional love looks like. Maybe, just maybe one day I will heed to the many suggestions to write one. Our love, our marriage is extraordinary and filled with imperfections. It’s like no other marriage I have ever seen or heard about. I married a selfless man that loves me beyond what my mind can comprehend. THIS is love, THIS is romance, THIS is what fantasy fulfilling marriage looks like... Brutal shades of love.

My early Christmas took 4 years, 2 months and 2 weeks...

I've waited four years, two months and two weeks for this gift. Tuesday afternoon, it finally came. I had my six month follow up with my neuro-ophthalmic retina specialist, for my eye. As many know, I had a hole that was leaking brain fluid into my eye. My specialist did everything in his power to save my vision, fix the hole and avoid brain surgery. After a year and a half of procedures, surgeries and numerous medications he was able to close the hole and save my vision. For the last three years, it has been a waiting game. The fluid that was left over from the leakage needed time to re-absorb, the "seal" needed time to strengthen and heal. What I did not know, until this week, was that the success rate for this type of issue is only 5%. That is IF the patient is willing to under go all that I did... Pure hell on earth and the worst imaginable head aches you could ever attempt to fathom. It makes migraines seem like a paper cut... So IF the patient agrees, then the percentage is even less of doctors willing to attempt all that my specialist did on me. The success rate of saving the patients vision is minute, avoiding brain surgery is minute and the over all success of the hole sealing and staying sealed is minute.

Tuesday, with giddy confidence, my specialist told me. "We did it! The fluid is completely gone. The scar/seal over the hole is fully healed, strong and secure. Your vision is better than it was, even before this happened. Your pressure is exactly what it should be, for the first time in four years. Your eye is perfect!" I was speechless!! He proceeded to tell me that I didn't have to be careful anymore... I can ride roller coasters again, I can sing without fear of it reopening (just praying for God to finish the healing of my chords), I can "Resume my normal everyday life, without fear." Did you hear that???? Without fear! The freedom that comes with that phrase, it's no longer a distraction. It's no longer sitting in the back of my mind (literally), no longer a scare tactic the enemy can use to disqualify me. No more fear. My miracle, my healing is finally here. A few truths God told me and continues to speak into my spirit "Prophecy takes time. Find Joy in the Journey. Embrace the pain of the process." Do I still have a chronic illness, yes. I'm holding on to the Promise that I will be "restored and made whole". I don't know when that will happen but this miracle has, it has renewed my faith and it has made me even more dangerous to the enemy. "No weapon formed against me will prosper." I encourage you, hold on to those promises, even if it's been years. God is faithful!!

On a side note- my specialist is now using my case in a petition to another doctor who himself has a similar issue but is afraid to move forward with treatment. My case was so extreme, my doctor feels confident he will be able to save his collegues vision as well as his collegues career... his collegue is also an eye specialist.

What does "beautiful" matter if I know I'm loved?

Many of you have seen the latest ad campaign circulating around by Dove Soap "You are more beautiful than you think". If you haven't seen it, I suggest watching it

It's about women who have to describe themselves to a sketch artist that has never seen them. After he sketches them, a stranger that they have gotten to know for about 30 minutes comes in and describes them for a second sketch. When the sketches are compared the women are shocked at how incredibly different they came out. They see the reality of how critical they were on themselves, versus the way others saw them. I was amazed and I was in tears. It hit me like a ton of bricks, honestly. What would mine look like? How would others describe me? I would struggle with that... but why? I asked God, "Why is this affecting me so deeply? What exactly do I struggle with here?" God simply asked me, "Can you say you're beautiful?" I felt like my stomach dropped... "No." What exactly does that mean, though? Why is that a bad thing? I don't have a hard time accepting your love or love from my husband and family. I know that I'm loved and I love to love people back. I don't feel like I struggle with an orphan spirit (for more on this, I highly recommend the message by Pastor Randy Harvey from April 21, 2013 on www.thecrossing.cc). I know where I belong and whom I belong to. I'm secure in that... I just don't think of myself that way. My husband thinks I'm beautiful, my daddy thinks so and I know God does too... why do I need to? What does "beautiful" matter if I know I'm loved?

God spoke to me, "It's not just about beauty on the outside. It is about your true beauty... Your laugh that shows the joy in you. The tears that show compassion for someone in pain. Your touch that shows that you care enough to be there. Your heart that aches when you see someone in need. The way your anointing touches lives, as you operate in my calling. The way I shine through your smile to touch others... It's how I see you. You are mine. Created by me and for me and I want you to see yourself the way I see you." I've heard it said that confidence is beautiful. Well, I believe it. Being confident in what God says about you, is where you discover your true beauty. I may not struggle with how God loves me, my security that He holds me or that I belong to him... that doesn't mean that I don't struggle with seeing myself how He sees me. That is a profound truth that I have been missing, but I see it now. Another reality came to me through this, every single aspect of my life (struggle, victory and experience) is an opportunity for God to establish credentials in my life that I need to help others. I haven't got this all figured out yet, but I'm listening and learning... I will get it and then I will use it to help whomever God brings across my path, in the future.

Yes, I'm loved. Yes, I'm secure in my relationship with Him. Yes, as hard as it is for me to say... I am beautiful and so are you. More beautiful than we think.

Happy takes work and is never perfect...

Where has the time gone... well, instead of boring you with way more details than ANYONE could possibly want to read, I will keep it simple. I am alive and well, love my husband more than I ever dreamed possible, one of my sons is way taller than me and the other one is getting close-r. So, there you have it... we're all caught up.

So what brings me back? I was asked a question that needed to be properly addressed; "What is your secret to good kids and a happy home?" It may seem a simple question that would solicit a simple answer... not so much. The initial part of my answer addresses "Happy" and the fact that being happy does not equate being perfect. Most people think that because someone is happy that our life must be flawless. On the contrary, we are happy because our source of joy is not determined or affected by our present issues or lack of them. Our joy is in God! Our joy and happiness comes from all the issues, trials, pains, hurts and battles that we have overcome and have yet to overcome. Not by our strength but wholly and completely by the strength and Grace of God. We learned many years ago that if we place our joy and happiness in anything that can be affected by the enemy, then our joy can be affected by the enemy. If our joy is in Christ, nothing can sway it or displace it... nothing. Ok, so is that it? Is that my answer? No, of course not... just the foundation of my answer.

We have certain rules and priorities, God inspired, that make our home and family run as it does.
- First I'll share our family priorities... by the way, these are non-negotiable. We have an understanding in our house that our foremost priority is our personal/individual relationship with God. Outside of that, Jason and my number one priority is each other. Above all, we first meet and tend to each others needs before even beginning to address anything/anyone else. No one matters in our world more than each other. I know and have confidence that Jason will always have my back and he knows that I will always have his. Second comes the needs and/or wants of our kids. They have joined our world, for a temporary amount of time, and it is our job to nurture them and discipline them. So, before turning our attention to anyone/anything else, we make sure their needs are met. Everything else in our world then falls into place according to how we feel it should be prioritized and those will be different for each family.

- Next comes the rules of our house. They haven't changed and never will... ever.

Rule #1- NO Whining! We can not hear you if you're whining. This can be a place where many kids will use discipline to their advantage. You tell them "No whining", they keep whining and the parent walks around saying (usually louder and louder) "I can't hear you! No whining! No whining!!" Kids are smart, negative attention is better than no attention at all... if they were whining we said once and only once in a calm voice "What is rule number one? No whining. I can not hear you until you talk normal. Come back when you can be civil." It worked for us, really well.

Rule #2- Life is not fair, deal with it! Yea, pretty self explanatory...

Rule #3- Do your priorities first, so you can play longer later. This actually applies to all four of us. Makes a HUGE difference in the efficiency of how our house runs... not to mention diffusing a ton of stress.

Rule #4- Personal calendars NEVER trump the family calendar... ever! This one is primarily for Jason and I, but it has worked so well for us. Be intentional with your planning... not only does it reduce miscommunication but it alleviates the stress of being scattered and over obligated.

So, there it is... my complex answer to a seemingly simple question. I will add one last secret from my personal page... We live in a world addicted to social media. I choose to live my life by the iceberg method; 10% is public for all the world to see, the other 90% is under the surface, reserved for those who intentionally choose to invest time in developing a relationship of community with me. If your community and relationships are purely based on social media, I encourage you to explore them deeper and in person. There is nothing like seeing a real live smile and giving a real warm hug to someone that holds that cherished title of "true friend".

I saw Jesus on a plane...

Say what??? Yes, it's true I did and it was incredible!! Let's go backward an hour or two... I was sitting in the Albuquerque airport waiting on my flight back to Houston. Our flight was delayed a few times and as we all know that means the terminal gets very full. I had seen this family walking around with a sweet little girl, about 12 I am guessing, and she had Down's Syndrome. She was dressed so super cute and obviously very excited about flying. As we boarded the plane she came on board ecstatic that we were "going up in the sky"!! She kept squealing and saying "I am so excited, I am so excited!!" I just giggled, because it was adorable! Her family kept trying to quiet her down and she was doing her very best to contain her excitement. The pilot and stewardess got the plane all geared up, did the pre-flight pep talks and we finally began to taxi over to take off. It's our turn, here we go, and lift off! She is so excited and she is telling her mom, "We are going up high!!!! We are going up high!!!" Then she no longer could contain her excitement and she said the most incredible thing "Mom, we are getting closer to Jesus!!! Look, we are getting closer to Jesus!!! We are up high closer to Jesus!! Look at the clouds!!! HI Jesus!! HI Jesus!!" She erupted with giggles and just continued overflowing with pure joy! It totally left me undone... I began to cry at the beauty I was seeing. I saw the purest face of true love for Jesus that I have ever seen in my life... and it melted me. She wasn't that excited because she was going to see Jesus but because she was getting closer to Him. I sat there with tears that insisted to keep falling and began to talk to God. "Father, I am certain that you share these tears of joy right now. Your heart must be overflowing at the praise and adoration that she is giving You! What a beautiful mirror image of your love is on her face right now!"

James 4:8a (AMP) "Come close to God and He will come close to you."
Deut. 4:29 (NIV) "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul."

"Lord, I have seen you in the face of this beautiful child. My heart has been broken for You, I long to be close to You. I know that if I seek after You, You in turn will run to me. Oh Father, let me seek You with the joy and eagerness I see in her. Let my heart yearn to be close to You, as she does."

Her family continued to quiet her excitement and I wanted to say, "Let her be. Let her get excited, let her joy become contagious." Of course I didn't, but I truly hope that others on that plane were moved by her the way I was. I pray that others on that plane "Saw Jesus on that plane"...

RELAX... Relax... relax.

Everywhere I go I have heard this word over and over for the past 2 months! It's been quite comical, actually. Ever since I realized this is what God was telling me to do, to rest and RELAX, it seems He has taken great care to keep reminding me. (If you are wondering what I am referring to, check out my post from a month or so ago "The Key To This Season...") I honestly wish I had written down (or had the brain capacity to remember) all the times I have been reminded.

During this time of resting and recovering I have crazy enjoyed time with my husband and my boys. It has been a much needed time of carefree, pure fun and enjoyment. We have traveled SO much this summer, done SO much together, made up for lost time during my illness and we are not done yet!! A few weeks ago my husband and I went to a marriage conference together. It was amazing and we so enjoyed getting away and just concentrating on making "us" even better. We came back so refreshed... but while we were there guess what one of the points they talked about were? You guessed it "Relax and rest!" My husband and I squeezed each others hand and just chuckled. A message this past Sunday at our church, we had a guest speaker and part of his testimony was about God telling him to "Relax and rest". Again, we just looked at each other and laughed. I could tell you about a dozen more times how "Relax and rest" has shown up during this season... it's truly been unbelievable.

God is doing a great work in us, during this time. He is showing us that this past 9 months was not lost and it was not in vain. Our testimony will have a voice! Not only has He carried us through this season, but His hand and His glory will shine BRIGHT because of what He is going to do through us! He has challenged us with new areas and ways of ministry that we are so excited about!!

Romans 8:28 AMP We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose. 29) For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was aware and loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren.

This past week I received an amazing report from my doctors... after 9 months my vision is almost better than it was before this happened, the fluid is almost gone, the hole is securely closed, my blood work is clean after the cancer scare and partial thyroid removal, I was taken off all but one medication (and it is one with NO side effects) and the doctor doesn't want to see me again for a month! I am almost "whole" again. I am "Relaxing and Resting" not only in my mind and body, but in Spirit as well. God is restoring me... as I have said before, "God's call on my life is still intact, His hand on my life is sure, His plan for me is secure, He is a faithful God and His promises to me ARE my destiny!!!"

Face to Face with pain...

Some friends of ours are currently in Texas Children's Hospital with their beautiful 4 year old little girl. She had surgery yesterday and she is having to stay in the hospital for 4 or 5 days. We went to visit them yesterday afternoon and I was completely caught off guard by the rush of emotions I felt. (If you have not read my previous post "Remembering Pain Makes You Stronger", then you may want to read it to get the whole miracle story.)

We stepped into the elevator, pressed the button for the 12th floor... as soon as the elevator doors opened the battle to keep my emotions at bay began. This was the same floor, I remember these yellow walls. We signed in at the nurses desk, stepped through the door and there I was face to face with the very room we had been in with Jeremiah. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment and I was desperately fighting back tears. Our friends were only 3 doors down from that very room. As in most hospitals, their room looked exactly the same. It was like stepping back in time. Everything was the same, the couch we slept on, the monitors, the walls, everything... accept that wasn't my little boy laying there anymore, it was their sweet girl. I was face to face with a pain I had not felt in 5 years... we walked the halls with them, showed them where the food court was, told them about the "goody carts" that come by through out the day. Right on cue here came a cart with sno cones, lol. I totally put aside my feelings, now was not the time.

On our way home Jason and I talked about how we both were overwhelmed by how we felt going in there... Jason said, "You know people say that time heals all wounds but I disagree. That pain was as fresh as it was five years ago." He's right! It literally took my breath away but so was the reminder of how God had been so evident there. That is a place of remembering pain but also a place of knowing a peace beyond our understanding, a reminder of God's miraculous hand in our lives. I have yet to feel again as completely submitted and fully at peace in HIS hands as I was during that battle for Jeremiah's life.

I stand by my original post "Remembering Pain does Make You Stronger". I am challenged by this reminder, a crisis should not be the only time my faith is that in tune or that I am that submitted to Him... I intend to remedy this.

The key to this season...

Over the past two months I have had this intense desire and longing to disconnect. I felt as though I needed to distance myself from... well... friends, church, responsibilities (other than my home and family) and just about everything else. I have battled within myself wondering if this was "the right thing" or maybe circumstances could have been to blame? Circumstances weren't exactly blissful these past two months; my very dear friends followed the calling of God on their lives and moved to England (we know it was absolutely the right thing, but that didn't make the pain of separation disappear), an amazing man of God that we loved dearly lost his battle with cancer, my health (now 8 months and counting) continues to be an ongoing battle and a few other issues that for discretion sake need not be listed here. This is no tiny list... these would be a reasonable explanation for anyone feeling the need to "disconnect". Crazy as it sounds I actually asked myself these questions, "Am I getting depressed? I've never been depressed before, maybe this is how it feels." or "Is my health and meds actually making me become reclusive?" However, none of these seemed to satisfy my yearning for answers. So, I began to consider whether this was a spiritual tug of war. As I sought God's council on this, it was like a haze began clearing in the room. I was falling slowly into a snare that had been set out before for me, it was quite the set up too. I had taken my eyes off of my source, my guiding light and focused on the circumstances.

What is "the key" for fixing this? God was calling me back to Him... He was telling me to stop working so hard to find my own answers, to "Be Still" and let him cover me, strengthen me and encourage me. He was telling me to stop trying to figure this all this out... it is not mine to bear, it is His. If I am busy working to make my own way clear, I will miss out on His every time. So, I have taken a drastic approach... I have stopped everything (again, other than my personal responsibilities to my home and family). I am making a drastic effort to "Be Still", rest, take a "real" break, get well, allow him to minister to me, heal me, restore me and make me whole. Sounds all nice and spiritual doesn't it? Well, let me be the first to tell you... it hurts!! Clean cuts, even with the peace of God that what you are doing is right, are extremely painful! There will be withdrawals from some of the things that I have had to let go but I know it's the right thing.

Am I letting go forever? Of course not! When I am well, rested and more importantly when God gives me the peace to move forward out of this season, I will run not walk to whatever He has next for me!! I believe it will happen, I believe the calling on my life is sure, I believe God's will for my life will be fulfilled... but first I have to "Be Still" for a while.

Beautiful Deception...

I am going to take a gamble that this post will not be popular with the masses. The past few days if you haven't heard any of the "rapture hype", you have been living under a rock or in a cave. Prior to this "big event", there were the jokes and the pranks that everyone was talking about... I'll admit they were funny! The "big event" came, went by and was wrong. If only it were that simple... immediately the jokes, the comments, the billboards... you name it, celebrating this "non big event" went viral. Again, I admit... some were quite funny.

Laying in bed Sunday night a realization in the form of a "Godly Anguish"(as put by Pastor Randy Harvey recently, from a quoted text by the late David Wilkerson) came to me. In anticipation of this "big event", I heard stories of people that sold all they had to await this day. Families and individuals stood on mountainsides, beaches, in fields, huddled in homes waiting on that "big event" to happen. Hoping, wishing, praying that it was true... why? Maybe one was a young girl whose reality is a life being sold into sex trafficking... maybe a dad who the meal he just fed his family was the last he had the means to provide... maybe it was someone whose reality was just absolutely hopeless in their eyes. This "big event" had been presented to them as a means to an end, a way out, an alternative reality... in the form of a "Beautiful Deception" woven with lies and un-truths, that they clung to merely because it meant a better reality than where they were currently. Of course they leapt at it, they were desperate!

So, where are they now? What has happened to their "faith"? It was shattered when they stood there as the clock ticked on into the night and they realized it was all a lie. How it must grieve our Father God to watch His children broken and deceived that way. How He must mourn them becoming the laughing stock of the world, when maybe some of them (not all of them, of course) were just desperate for a way out. We as believers in the One True God have an even greater battle before us now... how much more diligent must we strive to present the "Truth" to those in need? Will they be so easily swayed to listen this time, if not, how do we make a difference? Zech 4:6 NLT "It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies." Only with the grace and anointing of God can the Truth of God's Word penetrate and heal the walls or obstacle courses, if you will, that have now been set up to guard those hearts that have recently been broken.

I have a challenge for you... yes, the jokes are funny. No, you are not unholy for laughing..Please! My challenge is to pray that you feel the anguish of God for those that are hurting and for God to give you opportunities to show hope to those who are hopeless. Last, but certainly not least, that we would reach out to those that are feeling desperate and share the "Truth" and love of Christ... rather than leaving them hopeless and susceptible to the next "Beautiful Deception".

"What can we see better? What did we learn?"

Where have the past 6 months of my life gone? Well, I will avoid weighing down this blog post with lengthy details. In a teeny tiny nut shell; Oct. 21 2010 my husband lost his job, two days later I had a crazy medical journey begin, resulting in 5 surgeries and too many doctors, specialists, procedures and tests to name. A brief cancer scare, but I am happy to announce that I am on my way to a full recovery!!

All of this started 6 months ago and seemingly did a snowball effect from bad to worse. Now, on this side of it Jason and I have had a chance to look back and ask, "What can we see better? What did we learn?"

First- The loss of Jason's job at his former employer was a total blessing. He was so stressed out, losing sleep and overwhelmed. He was unhappy and working insane hours, never seeming to get caught up. If he had not changed jobs, there is NO way he could have cared for me, been here for me and walked with me so incredibly as he has these past 6 months. It would have killed him... God knew exactly what he was doing. The incredible thing is that he was able to do his new job, work from home and his clients didn't become busy until the "exact" week that I was well enough for him to go back in full force!! Talk about the favor and hand of God!

Second- Just like during the journey God took us on during Jeremiah's illness, on this journey God taught us that our faith, trust in Him, love for Him and love for each other was much stronger and could endure much more than we ever knew. We leaned heavily into Him and into each other and in doing that God brought people across our paths whose faith was strengthened by how God was strengthening ours.

Third- From day one God showed us that He had this covered, had us covered. We experienced a peace that truly passed all understanding. God taught us things about ourselves and our relationships with Him that we may have never discovered, unless pressed the way we were. We came out of this with a renewed intimacy with Him and absolute knowledge that He is trustworthy! Don't get me wrong, this was NO cake walk... we had the air knocked out of us a few times but His hand was sure and it was strong!

Last- This one is all me... I was reminded of how incredibly blessed I am! I have a husband who loves me so incredibly and unselfishly more than I ever could have dreamed. I am overwhelmed by him... truly. (Thank you Jason, I love you!) I am so grateful for my family that are amazingly supportive and helpful and my dearest friends who prayed and loved us through all this! Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart... thank you!!

Update on a soldier's Christmas... and a little about me.

I will begin by giving you all the finale to the soldier story. If you are unfamiliar with how this all began, go back and read my posts "Saying 'Thank You' to a Soldier this Christmas..." and "Unabashed tears on my driveway...". That brings you up to date. We truly prayed and sought God's guidance on how to best bless this family. One night in my sleep it hit me! I told my family, "I know what we are going to do! We are making a wreath out of gift cards to as many places as we can possibly afford." They loved the idea... time to start saving!

Surprise!! The next week, October 21st to be exact, Jason was laid off from his job. Our natural reaction was panic, but we trust that God is our source and knew he was in control. We actually got excited about it, because we knew God was up to something. The incredible news is that Jason was only out of work for 2 weeks. In that 2 weeks he had 13 interviews and 6 offers from companies. God overwhelmed him with favor, affirmation and encouragement. He came out of that situation a stronger man, with a better job!! Psalm 90:17 (AMP) "Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us; And confirm for us the work of our hands; Yes, confirm the work of our hands."

October 29th I began an intense medical journey that has yet to resolve. It is much too involved to add to this post, but I know it is just another attack... I also know it is contrary to the prophetic promises and calling on my life that have yet to be fulfilled! He will have the Glory!! Luke 1:37 (AMP) "For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment."

Back to the soldier story. Even with everything that has been happening the past few months, we still knew it was in God's heart to bless Mike(the soldier) and his family. God provided a way for us to save a good sum, plus he placed it on the heart of another family to anonymously give towards this gift. Two days before Christmas we prayed over the wreath and then went to deliver it. Mike and his family were so overwhelmed by the gift. They accepted it with such grace and were so very thankful. They were truly blessed. (Yes, I cried like a baby... what's new?) The humbling thing about all of this was recognizing we were truly just the willing vessels God was using to touch this family. It didn't matter what was going on in our lives, how the enemy attacked us, what distractions were thrown at us. God chose us, we said "yes", HE provided the means.

Unabashed tears on my driveway...

If you have not read my post "Saying 'Thank You' to a Soldier this Christmas" from last month, you will want to do so before reading further. Tonight I had the absolute honor of meeting "My Soldier". (Yes, I said "my" because he and his family have stolen my heart.) Before I get to that, I have to back up just a tad. Last month I passed by his house and noticed him out front using a walker. I was so upset and naturally wondering what had happened. Had he been in an accident? Was he ok? I began to really pray for him. This evening, we had just gotten home from running a few errands, barely even out of the car and guess who came walking by... yes, "My Soldier". Jason recognized him right away and immediately made an effort to get down our driveway to talk to him. First of all his name is "Mike". Jason asked him if he was ok and told him we had seen him using a walker. He told us that he was injured in August during a training mission, preparing for his next deployment to Afghanistan later this month. He severely injured his back and last month had major back surgery. They had to remove 1 vertebrae, repair two others, put in screws and plates and fuse his back together. After 16 years of bravely serving this country he is about to be forced to retire and enter the civilian life. He is actually going to be looking for a job, soon and has no idea what is in his future. He stood there and told us this story and proceeded to add "Me and my wife know that my life and our future is in my good Lord's hands. We know this happened for a reason and that He has a plan for me. I just have to figure it out. I know we will be ok. I don't care about any compensation or any disability, I was just doing my job. It was an accident. I just want to be healthy so I can take care of my family and spend time with them." I stood there listening to all this and cried, unashamed on my driveway. Now I know why God placed this man and his family on our hearts... before the accident even happened... before he had surgery... before he was faced with a totally new life path. God is a God of provision!! I write this with tears rolling down, so incredibly humbled and honored that God chose us to bless this family. I am undone...

Would you join me in praying for "Mike" and his family as he recovers and goes forward in a new career?

Shhhhhhh...

One of my dearest friends and I had the opportunity to just sit and talk the other day. Why is this noteworthy, you ask? Because we, in our busy lives, don't have time to just sit and talk. For that matter, there are many things that get put aside in our lives, just merely because they are further down on the priority list. One main thing that I have very little time for is reading... I LOVE to read, always have. I was going to major in English and Literature... remember? Anyway, we were discussing what we enjoy reading, when time allows. I personally have no interest in "self-help" type books... I just can not get into them. I love to read fiction and the occasional biography. I have many favorite authors such as Robin Cook, Ted Dekker, CS Lewis, etc... I am not one who MUST read a book by a Christan author. (Some of you may have just lowered me on your "Christan-o-meter"... sorry.) I have stacks of unread books on my night stand, in my car, in my closet... all books I think I want to read, but haven't. I recently discovered a way to carve out some time, each day, to read. I leave about 45 minutes early to pick up Jeremiah from school and I read in the car line. Hooray, finally the opportunity to jump into a good book... it worked for a while, but not lately. I finished a book a few weeks ago and since then I have picked up and put down two totally different books... the first one was a secular author, and I just couldn't tolerate it this time. The second one was a Christian author, but it seemed a bit shallow in the story line. I was so frustrated... then I noticed some of my music (again, no it's not all Christan...) I just couldn't tolerate the noise. I started recognizing a trend... I decided I should check in with God "Ummm, are you trying to get my attention? If so, I'm sure not listening very well, am I?" Ahaaa... so that's the problem. He was seeking to speak with me and I was distracted. I turned my radio off, put the books away, sat still and said "Speak Lord, I'm listening." He did.

Now I'm not saying that I don't listen to my music anymore or the radio, and I will still read my books. I just need to be careful of distraction's in my life, that they don't become so loud that they drown out the still small voice of my Savior. Ps. 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..." Ps. 143:8 "Cause me to hear Your loving-kindness in the morning, for on You do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You." Matt. 11:15 "He who has ears to hear, let him be listening and let him consider and perceive and comprehend by hearing." He is a jealous God and yearns for our attention, our devotion, our worship... He longs to commune with us, to be close to us... that is pretty cool!

Exciting Answer To Prayer...

I will try to make this short... Background- Two and a half years ago Jason was working for a company that transitioned from company trucks to truck allowances. We had to go buy a truck for him. They required it to be on a short term note (very high payments), and each month they reimbursed us for the payment and insurance. We bought a very nice Expedition. Well, the company became unstable, the economy went down, and Jason found himself looking for a more stable job. God blessed us with a great new job, however, this company did not do car allowances. Being the car was new, we couldn't exactly sell it without being upside down. We had to just pray that God would provide us a way to keep the truck until we paid it down more. We hardly ever use it, because my car is paid off and Jason drives his company car.

Monday- Jason and I actually had time to have one of those in depth planning, budgety, looking out for our future talks. We both felt very strongly that we should try to sell the Expedition.

Tuesday- Jason took it to get all shiny and clean... then took pictures of it.

Wednesday- Jason posted an ad on Cragslist. We priced it just below what most similar vehicles were posted. Five minutes after the post we got a call!! This guy said this was exactly what he and his family were looking for... unbelievable!

Thursday- First thing in the morning the guy sends Jason an email and says they are ready to buy it!!

Friday- The deal is done, the check for our portion of the money is already printed!! We make the exchange tomorrow!!!

This is such an incredible answer to prayer!! Now, with the extra money we made on the deal and the extra money every month, we expect to be out of debt in six months!!! WOOOO HOOOO!!! God is so good and so faithful!!

Saying "Thank You" to a Soldier this Christmas...

I was raised with a strong affection towards our Flag, our Troops and our Veterans. Jason was raised the same way. We both have a very large soft spot for anything and everything patriotic. It is common when our family is out to dinner that Jason will see a man in uniform walk in, and without hesitation anonymously pick up the tab. We have been in grocery stores and the man in front of us will be a man in uniform and Jason will pay his bill. Anytime we are out and about, when my kids see a man/woman in uniform they will go up to them, stick their hand out, shake their hand and say thank you. I tear up every single time.

We have lived in our neighborhood almost 5 years. On our way out of the neighborhood we pass a house that belongs to a soldier and his family. He has two small girls, and a cute little wife. Over the past five years I have seen him leave and many months later return home.(Sign draped over the front of the house and all) I have seen him return home, in full gear, with his huge duffel bag, in his front yard with his girls and his wife draped on his arms fighting for hugs. Yes, I tear up every time... I just can't help it! Just being out and about our paths have crossed many times(in the grocery store or at the pharmacy), and he is one of the kindest, most polite men I have ever met. How do you say thank you to a guy like that... enough. I don't really believe you can, but our family has decided we are going to give it our best shot.

Every year, as I'm sure many of you do, we choose a special place that our family can give something extra special at Christmas. We have done Samaritan's Purse, Secret Santa to a family in need, Christmas dinner for shut ins, etc... This year we are going to make it our goal to say "Thank You", not just to him, but to his wife and sweet girls. They sacrifice as a family, allowing him to do what he does for all of us. We are so excited, and are truly praying for God's guidance in putting this together. We really want to show the love of Christ to this family, and truly bless them in a way that will glorify God... not us. My boys have already had some great ideas, their enthusiasm makes me so proud. If you all think about it, please pray for us as we seek HIS leading in this project. I will keep you all posted on how it all turns out.

Remembering pain makes you stronger.

Many of you know know the miracle story of my little Jeremiah. Some of you do not. In as short of a story as I possibly can I will share what happened... it will be a bit lengthy. In January 2006, Jeremiah was 1 month short of 2 years old. It was a Friday. He woke up totally fine. By 11:30 that afternoon he was having unexplained pain in his left upper thigh area... achy pain. By 2:30 he was in worse pain, and running 102 temperature. We went to the Dr. that evening around 8:00. At this point his fever, even in Ibuprofen and Tylenol, could not be controlled and the pain was even worse. They couldn't find anything wrong. The next morning about 7:00 a.m. He wouldn't even let us touch the leg and the fever was 103. The Dr. that had seen us actually called us because she could not sleep. She told me to go immediately to Texas Children's, they would be waiting for me. We went, poor child was so lethargic with fever and unbearable pain. By that evening we were notified by the chief of infectious disease that he had an insanely massive infection brewing, but they wouldn't know what it was for 48 hours when the cultures from his blood draws grew and they could test it. We were admitted and Jeremiah was started on morphine via IV and the highest dose of the most toxic antibiotics you can imagine. Sunday morning Jeremiah started to have pain in his right shoulder. They had notified us that they were planning to do an MRI on Monday, because they don't do them on the weekends. Well, three hours later Jeremiah's pain in his shoulder was worse, the fever was still not under control and they came to notify us that they called in an MRI team. His pain was so severe that even fully sedated for the MRI he was wincing with pain when they would touch his leg or shoulder. Monday morning we heard that the infection he had was a strain that they had only ever scene in victims of high trauma experiences, for instance those that survived the World Trade Center collapse or the Oklahoma City Bombing. (their words not mine) Out of the last 2000 cases, none had been susceptible to antibiotics and resulted in fatality. Later that evening the pain had spread to his right thigh. During the night they did yet another MRI, at this point they saw the infection had totally eaten away all of his muscle in his left thigh and buttocks, it had penetrated into the bone of his shoulder and was eating away the muscle and buttocks of his right side. Fever still not controlled. Tuesday we hear a great report, his strain of infection WAS susceptible to antibiotics. However, they did not know why it was still spreading through the blood stream after being on the medicine for 3 days. Wednesday same as Tuesday no change. Thursday Jeremiah's heart begins to flutter. The infection is attempting to penetrate his heart. If this happens, there is nothing they can do. They put him on every antibiotic they could without killing him, he was on the maximum dose of morphine, toradol, Ibuprofen and Tylenol. Prayer for him was going around the globe! Pastor David Flanders from England came to visit and started a chain of people in Europe praying for him. Our pastors and church family were incredible, our friends were amazing. This kid was affecting so many thousands of people, bringing them to their knees... even some that hadn't prayed in a very long time showed up to pray over him. Friday was our turnaround day. A week after this all started, we finally saw some improvement. We spent 10 more days in the hospital. He was released with a tube that went straight into his heart through one his major arteries, that we used to administer medication every 4 hours for the next 2 months. We were in total isolation, due to his lack of immune system. He had lost more than 30% of his body weight and he had to re-learn to walk. In April he was released from care by the very doctor who had seen him in the ER. She said there was no reason why this child should still be alive, she never thought he would survive... But God. To this day he is entered into a case study to determine how he could possible have gotten this strain of infection, no reason has ever be determined.

During every second of what happened, not once did we ever think we would lose him. We never "lost" it. That is the one and only time in my life that I can undeniably say that I truly experienced peace beyond my understanding and faith beyond my reason. He is alive because of an undeniable miracle of God. His life has been destined for a greater purpose by God, and no matter how hard the enemy tried to take him, my God is greater! Thank God Jeremiah doesn't remember any of it... but I sure do. The tears are still instant when I tell the story, the pain is still fresh when I dream about it but so is the rush of peace and the surge of faith. Remembering my pain makes me stronger. I pray that it doesn't take something so intense to bring you to a place of such peace or faith... but when you have those times, DO NOT push the feelings down, do not try to forget. Find God in those moments, remember what he showed you in your brokenness, in your desperation... it will make you stronger.

Piano... but no band!

My Aunt Patty gave me her old piano a year and a half ago. I love having it! I use it all the time to figure out what chord songs are in, to aid in transposing charts, checking chart accuracy, writing, etc... I do not "play" exactly, but I am self taught well enough to do what I need to do. I would love to take lessons to improve and I actually have been doing some research. Jeremiah, my youngest, is a very musical child. He can not sit still if he hears music. We say all the time that it runs through his veins. Even if he doesn't realize there is music playing, he is going to tap his foot, dance, sing or hum along. He is constantly sitting at the piano... tinkering with the keys, trying to figure it out. So, I thought I would look into enrolling him in piano lessons. I gathered my information and the other day after picking him up from school I talked to him about it... here is how it went,

"Jeremiah, would you like to take piano lessons?"
"NO!" Without hesitation he reactively said.
"Why not? It would just be you and me in the room with your teacher... no one else."

You see Jeremiah is extremely introverted, no non-sense, matter of fact and a very deep thinking kid... and he hates attention.

"No one else would be in there?"
"Nope"
"What is the teacher's name?"
"Piper"
"Is she old or young?"
"Young"
"Is she nice?"
"I think so."
"Is she pretty?"
"I guess so."
"What does she look like?"
"I can show you a picture of her on her website, when we get home."
"How long do I go to class?"
"Half an hour, once a week... and then you practice at home."

Looooooong pause...

"Well, let me think about it..."
"Ok, you think about it."

Fifteen or twenty minutes passes and it's total silence. I could see him in the back seat... very deep in thought. He finally responds...

"Ok, mom... I want to take piano lessons... But I am NOT playing in a band!"

I busted out laughing!! I said, "Well, ok then... and I won't FORCE you to play in a band."

The way this little kid thinks, cracks me up!!

Now that he has decided he wants to do it, he is so excited about it! He can't wait to start, and he has been telling everyone, "Guess what? I am going to take piano lessons, soon!!" I just love that kid!!

Chasing dreams is never a mistake...

We have been on quite a journey since my last post. Football got tougher, school started for my 6th grader and my 2nd grader, I went into my normal first week of school blues (I'm am just sappy that way), and then football came to an end. Not that the season is over, Josh just had all he could handle. After five weeks of conditioning camp, workouts, soreness and horrible bruises he just decided he didn't have what it took to play the game. Monday night after practice Joshua went up to all the coaches, shook all of their hands with tears in his eyes, thanked them all for investing so much into him and told them that he was done. The coaches hugged Josh and told him that just because he was not going to be playing on the field, that didn't mean he couldn't be part of the team. They still wanted him to come to all the games and stand on the sidelines to support them... wearing his jersey, with his name and number. He said he would do it with pride! When we got home, Josh knew that he had done the right thing, but it didn't hurt any less. After a long hot shower, he and I had an opportunity to talk it through. He said, "Mom, I'm sorry I couldn't do it. I know it was a lot of money and you spent so much of your time helping me." I explained to him that he had nothing to be sorry for, at all. I told him that we were so CRAZY proud of the effort and maturity he had shown through this whole experience. He has grown so much in his character, self confidence, and perseverance it's unbelievable. The main thing I told him was that he should never apologize for chasing his dreams. He truly had a passion to play football. He wanted to do it so bad. Just because it didn't turn out like he expected, doesn't mean he made a mistake. I used the example of my own life... When I graduated high school my dad had high hopes of my going to college, because my desire was always to be an English/Literature Teacher. I got married right away and God began changing my heart. Soon, I knew college was not where I belonged. God had called me to be a stay at home mom for my Joshua. Not at all what I had planned, and boy was my dad disappointed (kind of an understatement). Talk to him now, and my dad will tell you it was the best "dream" I had ever chased. Never be afraid to chase your dreams, they may not be the landing point that you expect, but rather a catapult toward God's Destiny for your life. Your "dreams", in God's hands, hold the tools to equip your future walk in His perfect will. The next day Joshua's coach invited him to still participate in the pep rally and jersey ceremony. The coach told him he had earned it. Josh went, he ran when they called his name, he did the victory chant with the team and Saturday he will be on the sidelines with all his new friends... cheering them to victory, louder than anyone!

Football, Tears... and motherly pride.

So my oldest son has entered the world of (if you are easily embarrassed, skip to the next line) jock straps and cups... How did that happen?? The last two weeks I have seen him yelled at, tortured and pushed to almost the breaking point for this sport. Don't get me wrong I LOVE football with a very un-lady like passion, it's just hard watching your son live it. I always imagined being the mom on the sidelines, biting my nails, watching my kids get roughed up... reality is a bit eye opening. He is not my little boy out there, he very much resembles a man. They are not talking to him as a child or gently teaching him as a boy, nor do they hold juvenile expectations of him. Yet, he is still my baby boy.
Tonight I was taken back to a portion of the movie "Passion of the Christ". One of the toughest moments when I saw that movie, even to this day after seeing it a number of times, was the part when Jesus stumbles bearing the weight of the cross as His mother looks on. In that instant Mary flashes back to him as a child, falling skinning His knee. Josh was at the end of practice, only a few minutes left. The coaches use the last 10 minutes to push the kids as far as they can physically go. Some are literally losing balance about to faint, some can't get their breath, others can't help but vomit, it's 100 degrees, they have pads and helmits on and he is feeling like giving up. They are doing sprints and up/downs (basically they have to run full speed then drop to their chest when the whistle blows...jump back up to run full on until the whistle blows to drop again, etc...) he has tears, like many others, streaming down his blood red face. He looks at me and I just give him a lame thumbs up, nod, and mouth "you can do it, you are doing great". Then it happened... he dropped down at the whistle, didn't pop back up, pulled off his helmit, slowly gets up crying very hard, motioning for one of the coaches. The coach quickly runs to see if he is ok, Josh nods "no" and they quickly pull up his shirt. He had landed on a large rock, it knocked the wind out of him and gashed his stomach pretty good. EVERYTHING in me wanted to run to him, but I couldn't or I shouldn't. He looked over at me, and I just waited to see if he was ok. One tiny gesture to me and I would have ran to him in record time! He was ok, he put his helmit back on and finished the drill strong. Never in my life have I ever felt so proud of him! In a very miniscule way, I compare my motherly pride to how Mary felt that day when her son got back up and finished strong... for us.

A weekend to remember...

This past week my husband needed to travel for a business trip. We decided to tag along and visit some family and friends in the area, while he was working. My Aunt lives there in the city, so me and my boys spent her day off from work going to lunch, seeing a movie and doing some shopping. The next day she had to work, so we decided to make a trip down to a nearby town to visit some friends. A year before Jason and I were married, he was transferred with his job. After we were married, that is where we lived for 4 years. Moving to a town where you know NO ONE was very hard for me. I prayed that I would easily make friends and find a church that I loved. Boy, did God answer that prayer! We made some of the most amazing lifelong friendships you could possibly imagine. Going back to visit many of them was so unbelievably theraputic. We had a chance to visit even more of them on our drive home the next day. These are the kind of friends that you hug the biggest, you laugh the hardest with, and you miss the most when you leave again. We all go through seasons in our life, seasons of too many friends and seasons of none at all. I was reminded this past weekend how these friends have painted my life with so many happy memories and how blessed I am to have them in my life. My question to all of you... "Who are the friends in your life that if you moved and no longer lived near, would you travel hours just to see?" "Who are the ones that you have moved away from, and you need to go see?" Those people likely have made huge imprints on your life, and if at all possible those relationships should never be allowed to die. They are too precious!